On The Sly: Real relationship or phony façade?

Ask anyone what is most important in a relationship and, rest assured, you'll get a wide assortment of answers: Trust, honesty, sex, communication and support — a healthy relationship is not based on one definable characteristic, but a combined effort of all of them. Sure you're giddy, happy and in love, but is it healthy for you?

 Let me start off with a disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert. I'm not here to criticize how you and your partner interact with each other. Obviously if you're together, something is working well for you.

 Every relationship is different though, and subsequently what works best for the two of you could be vastly different from what works best for others.

 I do believe, though, there is a definite line between having a healthy and unhealthy relationship. I also believe love can blind us to these faults, and we trick ourselves into thinking love can be used as an excuse for anything.

 Obviously abuse should be mentioned, but I'm not going to focus on it. I think it goes without saying that it's an automatic red flag. Instead, I'm going to focus on the dynamic between two people in a relationship.

 First things first, respect. Can you act naturally around this person in most settings, or are you trying to be something you're not? I can understand acting a certain way around different groups of people in your life, but if you're dating someone, they should see all sides of you, or at least be aware those sides of you exist. If you have to censor yourself completely for the sake of avoiding an argument rather than simply be accepted by your partner, you should probably reevaluate the situation.

 Trust is one of the few things that is as important if it's there or if it isn't. If you have to justify talking to any guy, to your pissed off boyfriend, or if you're girlfriend thinks you're going to cheat on her for merely being friends with a girl, recheck your priorities. Jealousy happens. It's a natural emotion. Letting it run rampant over your relationship isn't natural or healthy. You can trust a person without being naïve.

 If you've been cheated on before, odds are you're going to be a little paranoid. That being said, if your partner cheated on you and you stayed with them, you made the choice to stick around. Either renew trust in them and get over the grudge, or end the relationship. Otherwise, you're just going to be spinning in circles. If your current partner didn't cheat on you, but someone has before, don't punish him or her for someone else's mistake. It's not fair to either of you.

 Communication is expected, but it can easily be abused. Some couples talk 24/7, others enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to answer to someone all the time. Both are healthy if that's what you both want out of it. Communication becomes a problem when you get annoyed when your boyfriend didn't text back within five seconds or your girlfriend constantly questions where you are and who you're hanging out with.

 Following suit, contact is important. You want to see your girlfriend, yes, but spending every waking hour with her and isolating yourself from your friends isn't good. Just because you're dating doesn't mean you have to like the same things or do everything together. Guys need time to "bro out" and girls need time with their girlfriends.

 Ideally, your partner will fulfill many roles in your life, but that doesn't mean you have to toss your friends out the door. Create the perfect relationship entity by enjoying your separate identities.

Sex is great. On one level, there's the physical gratification of the act. On an entirely different level, when you feel connected to someone it elicits a string of emotional responses. It's undeniable that sex helps cloud our judgment when it comes to evaluating our relationships.

 Just because you fight doesn't mean you're in an unhealthy relationship. Some couples constantly banter back and forth while others fight on occasion. Ultimately, the more you fight, the more energy you have to put toward a futile argument. If you can't make it through the honeymoon period of a relationship without getting into a serious argument, how long do you think you'll be willing to put up with more?

 I guess what most of this boils down to is control. The healthiest relationships I've been in and the ones I've witnessed in my life have been based around mutual control in a relationship. What I really mean is, in a healthy relationship, control is virtually nonexistent. Love is a give-and-take experience. If you're constantly trying to one-up your partner in some way, or know their every move or every person they talk to, realize this is toxic, regressive behavior.

 You can move forward in a relationship by building on trust, respect and communication. Or you can stay in a rut by having the same argument over and over again.

 So you love this person, and this person loves you back. Take a step back from those feelings and think about what you want out of your relationship. Is there a constant source of encouragement, humor, trust and respect? Are those elements sometimes there, but sometimes clouded by doubt, secrecy and jealousy? Never restrict your own happiness for someone else's. It's not selfish, it's merely helping you achieve your maximum potential for happiness.

 This person, and your relationship, should bring out the best in yourself. It should be one more aspect of your life that is relatively stress-free, and one more thing to be proud of.

 If you can honestly and objectively say you aren't getting what you deserve, want or need out of your relationship with someone, why are you ignoring the obvious signs and settling for it instead of looking for something better and more fulfilling? Understandably, it's harder to get over someone than to find someone better, especially if you truly believe you're in love with that person. Love is one thing, but having enough self-respect to end an unhealthy relationship is another.