Concerned squirrel meets world: an open letter
Published: Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 10:02
Hello there, human friends. Have you heard about this Squirrel Slam taking place Saturday in the distant land of Holley? I heard about it the other day at the feeder when my friends Charlie Chipmunk and Bonnie Bird gave me all the gruesome details.
It sure has the squirrel community here in a tizzy, especially the heavier set ones.
On behalf of The Elder Council of Squirrels, I just want to ask one thing: why do you want to shoot us?
We have enough things to worry about right now without a bunch of trigger-happy bullies trying to shoot us just for the fun of it.
It's a daily struggle to cross dangerous roads, only to get most of the way there and decide we actually want to go back to the other side of the road, and have to run all the way back. This isn’t an easy task, you know.
I don’t know how to count, but I’d estimate about a trillion billion squirrel friends have perished in the dangerous game of road crossing.
There’s also the problem of falling out of trees. This happens to us all the time. Hopping from tree to tree isn’t exactly easy you know, it’s actually rather difficult. Especially when the branches are iced over.
Then there are the dreaded sky monsters coming down to pick us up and carry us away, never to be seen again. They may be better known as hawks in your terminology.
Have you ever had to watch a good friend of yours being carried away by a sky monster? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
So why do you have to make us worry more than we already do by grabbing your guns and coming after us on this senseless killing spree? We are peaceful creatures, and we hope to avoid this war you have so wrongfully declared on us.
I mean, don’t you human folk have a day set aside for the appreciation of squirrels?
Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you are a bunch of hypocrites. Yeah I said it, you are a bunch of — hold on, do I smell an acorn nearby? Darn, I guess not.
Where was I? Oh yes, you are a bunch of hypocrites!
You cannot have a Squirrel Appreciation Day and also a Squirrel Slam. It makes absolutely no sense.
And I hate to play this card, but you human folk tower above us. We are like ants among titans, and are already considerably outmatched without firearms being thrown into the equation.
Even if we weren’t overly adorable, peaceful, fun-loving creatures, how could we possibly retaliate against your overwhelming amount of firepower?
What are we supposed to do, throw our nuts at you? That would merely delay our seemingly inevitable journey into squirrel heaven.
I know some of us may sometimes chew on a wire we are not supposed to, or eat some delicious fruits and vegetables growing in your yards, but we don’t know any better.
We have really short attention — oh my god there is an acorn over there! — spans. We can’t help ourselves sometimes.
Haven’t you ever had a vice you just can’t seem to kick?
The Elder Council of Squirrels has never proposed a Human Harvest day, so why do you have to take the low road and hold this unnecessary Squirrel Slam? Oh, and by the way, you slam us enough when you call us “rodents” or “varmint.” Yeah, those are very hurtful names.
We squirrels have been on this land long before you human folk. Even when your people came to this land many years ago, we didn’t try to stop you. In fact, we opened our tiny squirrel arms as wide as we could and welcomed you to share this great land with us.
Oh, how the great and honorable heroes from squirrel folklore would frown upon this event, such as the flying squirrels Theodore Roosevelt allowed to live in his family cabin, or the various Rally Squirrels in the baseball world whose mere appearance on the field inspired teams to defeat their opponents.
I’ve never met any of these squirrelly legends, but I imagine they would all say the same thing: shame on you.
All we want to do is find nuts, hide nuts and dig nuts up again. Can’t we be allowed to do this in peace?
If you have a soul, I hope my words have reached it. I hope you will not take part in the squirrel-geddon in Holley.
Squirrels walk the path of peace. Don’t you human folk think it’s time you gave it a try?